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[25 Oct 2006|03:32pm] |
piratecore t t m: hes a boxer
piratecore t t m: the russians are sweeping the field
MuddPiesNPuddles: and why are they sweeping the field? Shouldn't they mow it?
MuddPiesNPuddles: wouldn't sweeping it be counter productive?
piratecore t t m: russians arent very bright
MuddPiesNPuddles: maybe they could try raking it
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(4 black eyes | clenched fists)
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[05 Sep 2006|08:27am] |
i am not using my mind and i cant break this cycle. god, motivate me, someone, something, i need to stop talking about hating my job and talking about being unmotivated and talking about school and talking talking talking but not about anything real or important or taking actions on my words.
can someone intelligent please talk to me about something meaningful, anything at all? and i dont mean pretentious. because lots of smart people cant draw the line.
I LEFT MY HEART IN YESTERDAY
REMEMBER HOW IT USED TO BE?
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(3 black eyes | clenched fists)
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[10 May 2006|02:33am] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
] |
none of my oldest friends called me on my birthday. thanks guys. even goddamn clayton called me.
i do love clayton though.
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(10 black eyes | clenched fists)
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[14 Apr 2006|07:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 content |
] |
( very )
anywho, i am pretty satisfied with how things are. well, things are not very good. but i am happy anyway, because i decided that i will not be sad anymore. i miss pa. a lot. i can't beleive at all that he is actually gone, and that daniel will grow up not knowing him and that nana is really all alone in that house every night. i cant wrap my mind around the fact that i will never see him again. everything just happened so fast, it seems like he died a week after he got sick. in the past few months i have gotten a lot of closure on old pain, and i feel good about finally being freed of that burden always on my heart. i love my mom and dad and my sister and brothers, i miss my sister a lot sometimes. i like hanging out with my brothers and having dinner with my parents. i'm glad i dont feel that stupid teenage awkwardness around them anymore. i am dead broke, but one interview away from getting a good full time job with excellent benefits and opportunities. i'm getting closer and closer to finally going back to school with money and security and an idea of how things will be when i "grow up". i love my boyfriend more than i thought i would ever let myself love anyone again, and if i could spend every waking moment with him i would. i love my friends, and i would fight for them no matter where i ended up, be it the hospital or prison, i cant stand by and watch them get hurt by people they trusted. maybe some people can say "hate" all day and then go hang out the next, but as far as i'm concerned that isn't loyalty. if some girls want to have sex with everything they see, drive drunk after their "friends" almost died in a car accident, and act like they deserve other peoples time and symapthy then that is their choice, but i am not going to be friendly and ignore it for comforts sake when i really wish that they would do us a favor and hit a tree next time. and when some girls talk like they never want to see someone again and then decide to be BFF with that someone the next day then that is their choice, but i am not going to trust that person as my friend again because who knows how many faces they really have. maybe being "friends" with quotes around it is an acceptable idea for some people but not for me, because i have grown past that point and i do not want to associate with such deceitful and unworthy human beings. that is straight up playing yourself. soon i would like to move out of the suburbs, and go to school, and succeed. i do not want to be trapped into this circle of apathy and truly revolting behavior, as so many of these poor people already have. i have enough faults, and enough weaknesses, and enough self esteem issues, that i don't need to worry about someone ten times worse who couldnt care less if i kicked the bucket tommorrow. i know that things will continue this way, probably get worse, and i won't be a part of it. destroy yourself with alcohol and drugs and self pity, but i will not feel sorry for you. i have done too much self pitying in my short life, but thankfully i have also done some maturing and that isn't me anymore. if you read this entire entry, why? but more importantly, if you are a positive influence and a true friend, thank you for being there and i hope that you know that you mean something to me. times are changing for the worst, and somehow i am at my best. end transmission!
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(11 black eyes | clenched fists)
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[31 Mar 2006|06:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lonely |
] |
seems it's been so long since we kissed through the darkness until it was dawn.
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(2 black eyes | clenched fists)
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[31 Mar 2006|12:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sore |
] |
my hips are going away. im not sure how to feel about this. is it good? you tell me.
also, question: do tonsils like block the passageway between your throat and your nose or something? cause since surgery i have to gargle with salt water and every time no matter what it comes out my nose. every time. this is not normal for me. lisa, jul, anyone else sans tonsils, feel free to give me some input. i could just be a freak.
SUE VISITED ME LAST NIGHT!!! it was awesome to see dat girl. i been loooonely. but im boring. so... i dont know. i probably only wouldnt be boring from noon to 4, as that is the only time i'm mostly awake and feel okay to sit/stand up on my own. i honestly didnt expect it to be THIS bad, its been almost 5 days and the pain is still pretty bad and im still very out of it. the out of it part could be percoset.. but.. i dont know. feel free to call me because i can pretty much talk now. and im BORED. k byyyyye
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(1 black eyes | clenched fists)
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[24 Mar 2006|04:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 nostalgic |
] |
sing a song of 6 pens a pumpkin is a pie.
40,000 jackbirds baked in a jai alai.
when the jail alai was opened the birds began to sing:
i went to the jai alai fair one day the fords were there they won first place
WHAT?!?????????!!!!!!!!!
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(3 black eyes | clenched fists)
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[19 Mar 2006|02:48pm] |
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richmond was incredible. seeing stephanie was awesome and much needed. now that i saw how easy of a ride it is, i'll hopefully be visiting more often :)
i missed you all as soon as i left. matt, josh, dylan, seeing you guys was awesome. i forgot how fun it was to hang out with you. the show was pretty amazing too. ride home was.. thought provoking. im still tired. i need to think about a lot of stuff still. i need to sleep.
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(2 black eyes | clenched fists)
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[21 Feb 2006|12:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bored |
] |
50 Things to Know About Me but Never Thought to Ask
1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Not really
2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
hell no, thats the best part
3. When's the last time you've been sledding??
few weeks
4.Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
depends
5. Do you believe in Ghosts?
maybe
6. What's your 'Dirty Little Secret'?
this question is dumb
7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
yeah prolly
8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
AJ all the way
10. Do you know how to play poker?
sort of
11. Have you ever stayed up for 48 hours?
yep
12. Do you kill bugs that are in the house?
EUGH NO I CANT BUT I HATE THEM
13. Have you ever cheated on a test?
yep
14. What's your current obsession?
juelz santana
15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
yep
16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
baseball sucks
17. Have you ever Ice Skated?
yes
18. How often do you remember your dreams?
every so often
19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you were crying?
dont remember
20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?
yes
Where'd question 21 go?
22. Do you believe in love at first sight?
nope
23. Do you know who Ba-Ba-Booey is?
yes
24. Do you always wear your seat belt?
mostly
25. What talent do you wish you had?
mindreading!
26. Do you like Susie?
im going to go ahead and say no
27. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
yes :'(
28. What do you wear to bed?
nothing
29. Have you ever been caught stealing?
nope
31. Do you truly hate anyone?
yep
32. Rock and Roll or Rap?
rap
33. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
pharrell
34. Do you have a relative in prison?
yep
35. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror like your favorite singer?
yep
36. Do you know how to play chess?
yes i love chess :'(
37. What food do you find disgusting?
animal derived stuff
38. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours?"
what? no.
39. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
no
40. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
yes
41. Have you ever been punched in the face?
yep
42. When is the last time you threw up from drinking too much?
nope
43. Have you ever walked out on a movie at the theater?
nope
44. Do you ever sit through a bad movie, just to see how bad it was?
not really, i dont have the attention span.
45. Would you consider yourself obsessed with anything/anyone?
not really.
46. Have you ever met someone famous that you really wanted to meet?
no i hate celebrities.
47. Have you ever been stood up?
i dont think so
48. When's the last time you screamed at the top of your lungs?
last night at hoods
49. Did you ever do something that you didn't want to, but did it just to fit in?
probably
50. Was this fun?
nope
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(1 black eyes | clenched fists)
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[20 Feb 2006|10:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
i am so tired.
i only feel rested in your arms.
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(clenched fists)
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[15 Feb 2006|10:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 worried |
] |
this week has been nothing but tears and no sleep. i just want everyone to be okay.
pleeeease be okay.
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(7 black eyes | clenched fists)
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[09 Feb 2006|10:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blank |
] |
so... i'm everyones friend, but nobody's best. which is weird. i barely get to see any one person twice in a week. my old best friends are still best friends with each other, but not with me. when i hang out with them its a slightly awkward and kind of upsetting thing for me, like being a third wheel to an ex boyfriend's new date. because i still love them just as much. but there's no more US, like there used to be. they still have their girls but im not one of them. i dont get invited, i dont get the bracelets, i dont know the secrets. and it's my own fault.
some of my friends are having really hard times. it breaks my heart that i find out 3 days later about one of my friends being in the hospital, or making themself sick with pills, or moving out, or having to read in the paper that someone i cuddled with in august is going to jail for selling drugs and keeping an arsenal of guns and knives.
i want to be close to someone, really close, and understand them. because that doesnt happen to me anymore. and when i go out, i run into "friends" everywhere. walking down south street on a wednesday afternoon i get hugs from 5-6 people. i never have nothing to do, i always overbook, and SOMEONE always wants me to come out. but there is nobody that wants me to always be there, or goes to me first when something happens, or wants to walk to superfresh at 330 in the morning just to get all the twisty ties and then sit on the porch swing outside true value and spill guts, making one long twisty tie and attatching it to 2 stop signs like a finish line across eagle road.
dont get me wrong, i love my friends. honestly. i love everyone i hang out with, and some people i don't get to see. it's nobody's fault but my own that people don't get close to me. i just fucking wish it didn't have to be this way.
but it does.
gosh.
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(11 black eyes | clenched fists)
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[14 Jan 2006|09:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
sweet roadrash goatee, and black eye.
i hella aching right now guyz cause i totaled my car. srsly. sucked. i went to meet jim and his 2 friends at panic/MLIW/the explosion.. i parked at 69th street and took the el, so they came back with me and i was gonna drive them home. WELL. i drove them right into a parked car. so like, the airbags went off and it was smoky and the windshield shattered and i was so fucking scared for my boo :(. i thought he was dead. but he was okay and i got the most hurt, so thats good. will and martin were totally fine. my mom and dad came and got us and didnt murder me, which i was worried about.
my arm hurts too! the airbag fucked me up the most, i guess.
but seriously, jim brawley is such an amazing dude. i acutally love him. hes so good to me.
im so lucky that im not dead, and that i have wonderful friends, and a wonderful boyfriend, and that my parents are supportive. hooray! good life.
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(18 black eyes | clenched fists)
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anxious